Members of the Lake Norman 4.5-level state championship tennis team celebrate their five straight victories in Pinehurst, N.C., in the summer of 2006. From left to right: Erik Witten, Nelson Britt, John Tennant, Scott Fowler, Mark Allen, Aaron Morrison, Captain Mike Ferrero, Keith Kye, Chris Butler, Doug Knox, Brad Hobday, Rob Wilson and Richard Moon. (Photo courtesy of Nelson Britt).

The following was somehow recorded  in a conversation between Al Michaels, John Madden and the late Howard Cosell. Due to some multi-dimensional quirk of fate, they were discussing the Lake Norman N.C. state champion men’s 4.5 team of 2006, which all three announcers had apparently done some extensive research about.

All three men, during the discussion, kept referring to a recent photo of the team (the one above). This was the raw  transcript.

COSELL: This is How-uhd Cosell. Our topic today -- the grandiloquence, the eloquence, the absolute magnificence of the Lake Norman tennis team known as Team Ferrero.

MICHAELS: Howard, um, I’m really supposed to open the show.

MADDEN: BOOM!! You know what that was? The sound of an Aaron Morrison forehand – or the sound of John Tennant banging his partner in the back with a serve and the ball literally bouncing over the fence. Did you know that actually happened in the state championship final?

Most men would have cried at impact. Certainly this team’s No.2 singles player, Scott Fowler, would have bawled like a baby. Mark Allen, Tennant’s partner, simply shook it off despite later admitting that “my back turned numb.”

COSELL: Gentlemen, gentlemen… please. No one knows more about this team than myself. For instance, I can quote you chapter and verse about Mike Ferrero himself – his love of Penn State and the Steelers, his infinite variety of headbands, the way he likes to take a firm grip on his lucky bat when he needs to…

MICHAELS: Now let’s not get personal, Howard. No one really wants to know what Ferrero does with his bat.

MADDEN: Look, we’re all excited. I’m excited!! Team Ferrero was only put together a year ago, but went 22-3 during five state championship matches to take the title. We all want to talk about them, but let’s have some order here! I propose we take this picture and talk a little about each guy, going from left to right. It’s the only way our audience will really understand what a special team we’re talking about.

MICHAELS: I agree, and I’ll start. On the far left, you’ll find ERIK WITTEN. He’s 56, the oldest member of the team, but he looks about 32. He’s noted for huge room-service orders, his collection of 600 tennis T-shirts, a vicious lefty serve and angled shots that look like mistakes but aren’t. He also got married for the first time less than a year ago. His lovely wife Christy has improved Erik’s little problem with lateness considerably and also sliced the T-shirt collection down to no more than 599.

COSELL: I’ll take the next man – the graceful, the gliding, the genial NELSON BRITT. He and Witten have played doubles together off-and-on for years. In fact, those two actually played together on a state championship 4.5 team before – in 1997, along with Fowler. Britt is known for his love of motorcycles, his stunning forehand and undoubtedly being the nicest guy on this team.

MADDEN: I’ll take JOHN TENNANT. Boom! If I had an All-Madden team for tennis, he’d definitely be on it. This guy is a tank, as Captain Ferrero affectionately calls him. He hits out all the time – first serves, second serves, volleys. Like his doubles partner, Mark Allen, he came close a bunch of times at state before under the stewardship of a man they called “Captain Carl” Phelps, but 2006 is his first championship.

MICHAELS: The next guy is SCOTT FOWLER, one of the team’s singles players. His matches last longer than most foreign movies and aren’t nearly as interesting. Fowler writes a sports column for some newspaper in North Carolina, but I forget which one. I think he interviewed me once, but his questions were so mundane I can’t remember for sure.

COSELL (yawning): Al, you’re boring me. Let’s move onto someone more interesting. MARK ALLEN is next in this picture. Have you seen this guy’s volleys? Uncanny. You can tell he used to play college tennis at UNCC. He and Tennant had perhaps the most stunning comeback in any match at state. They lost the first set 6-4 in the round-robin final, then won the second 6-0 and the tiebreaker 10-1. And Allen was one of the behind-the-scenes instigators of this team, by the way -- heavily involved in its creation.

MADDEN: You gotta let me take the next guy! Look at that bald head gleaming in the sun! AARON MORRISON is this team’s No.1 singles player and the one player that all of the older guys seem to live vicariously through after the tennis is over each day. Since this is a family show, let’s just say Aaron has an exciting life!

Morrison’s match with Luke Sarge – or was it Sarge Luke? – was the best singles match of the entire tournament in Pinehurst. Morrison lost five match points, broke a string, threw a racquet over the fence, yelled “C’mon!” 88 times and still won. Morrison also can and will quote any movie made in the past 30 years at any time. In fact, most of what he says is a regurgitation from some slapstick comedy or another.

MICHAELS: It’s worth pointing out that while the Mountain team had a Sarge, Team Ferrero had a General.

COSELL: Yes, they did, Al, which brings me to Captain Mike Ferrero, alias The General. Has any rookie coach done better in any sport? This was Joe Paterno and Bill Cowher rolled into one. And just in his first year? He….

MICHAELS: Well, he had captained a few teams before, Howard, that didn’t do as well. Let’s not get carried….

COSELL: Shut your trap, Al!! I am talking about intuition here! I’m talking about instinct! I’m talking about a man in Ferrero who helped combine three former teams into one, massaged the egos, got indoor courts when necessary, irritated everyone when necessary, drove unnamed team members to practice when an Entenmann rush may have made them too jittery to drive – the General did everything! If I may say so, he’s the closest thing this team will ever have to How-uhd Cosell.

MADDEN: I’ll take the dentist – KEITH KYE. Have you seen his smile? Absolutely brilliant! What an advertisement for his own services! BOOM! What Killer Kye hides behind that pretty smile is an absolutely lethal set of volleys. The Killer hasn’t lost a doubles match that really mattered in all of 2006.

MICHAELS: That next guy smiling so broadly is CHRIS BUTLER. It’d be fair to call Butler the hidden right-hand man on this team. He was also a do-it-all player who went undefeated all season and missed approximately one volley the entire state tournament. You’ve also gotta give props for Butler also having the family with the best attendance and the greatest overall cuteness ratio for all matches. Chris can also get along with anybody, which is fortunate because his doubles partner is…..

COSELL: Hey, hold up! I love this next guy, DOUG KNOX! His forehand moves like a Randy Johnson fastball. His pregame meal involves a 2-liter soft drink, a couple of dozen pixie sticks and a tour of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. The guy is unique!

A great team can’t be carved from a cookie cutter. It needs some personality. Knox undoubtedly has one of those. He’s brash. He slings racquets around like a short-order cook slinging pancakes (extra syrup, if you’re serving them to Doug). In fact, if I may say so, Knox is the closest thing this team will ever have to How-uhd Cosell.

MADDEN: Uh, Howard, you already said that about Ferrero.

COSELL: Well, it’s true about both of them! Have you seen how they go at each other?! I’m surprised one of them hasn’t killed the other by now! It’s like the way I used to argue with myself in a mirror!

MICHAELS: Moving on… I’ll take BRAD HOBDAY. Has anyone ever seen a purer set of strokes? This guy should be the model for every instructional page in “Tennis” magazine. But don’t let that blond All-American look fool you – the guy can also quote “40-Year-Old Virgin” left and right. “We gonna need more wax!!”

Hobday went 5-0 at state in doubles, and he and Kye won a critical third-set tiebreaker in this team’s very first match against Greensboro that really set Team Ferrero on the right course.

MADDEN: I’ll take ROB WILSON. Boom!! This guy just about lost a finger a couple of weeks ago! Get Ferrero to tell you about it, but make sure there’s a hospital nearby – for Ferrero! The General almost has a coronary every time he tells the story. Anyway, Wilson is a fine player in his own right, then his finger gets severed and what do you know? He still drives 2 ½ hours to support the team in Pinehurst!

COSELL: The last guy on the right, but by no means the least, is RICHARD MOON. This man deserves a huge measure of credit for showing up for everything in Pinehurst, doing everything that needed to be done and cheering folks on. What a team player! And if you’ve ever seen the Moon-ster get on a roll in practice or a match, you know it can be quite nasty for the opposition.

MICHAELS: Howard, as we close the show, we shouldn’t forget PAUL MILLER, another fantastic doubles player who couldn’t make it to Pinehurst. And all the FRIENDS AND FAMILY of Team Ferrero who showed up in Pinehurst to support the squad.

MADDEN: So this team now advances to Charleston, S.C., where it will face 4.5-level tennis teams from eight other Southern States in late July. I think they’ve got a chance to advance there, I really do. I may take the Madden Cruiser down there to check it out. But no matter what happens, you can’t take that 2006 state championship away from these guys.

COSELL: Great show, folks. As always, I believe my commentary was absolutely marvelous, splendiferous and extraordinary – but, after all, I had a pretty good team to talk about.

MICHAELS: Thanks everyone for watching. Up next: “Real World 14,” starring Aaron Morrison.

Pinehurst, N.C., was the setting and the Carolina Hotel the headquarters for the N.C. state tennis championships in 2006. (Photo courtesy of Nelson Britt).